All the ways to love an addict
My son has an addiction. My husband and I have used all the love strategies we know to leverage for our motivation for him to stop taking drugs. They have been useless.
We did the tough love approach and kicked our son out when he used drugs in our house. He didn't quit then. For some reason, I thought this would be the last trick in the book of stopping enabling which would have him hit bottom. Maybe because I had heard so many times from other people that when they kicked their person out of the house their loved one reached a bottom. It didn't work. Mainly because other people offered him a place to stay. So, even though we stopped enabling him, others picked it right back up.
One family who took my son in had a daughter who used meth just like my son. If I were the parent of a daughter, I would not have allowed a young man to live in the same house as my daughter--especially if he met her in rehab. They both began using meth again.
Another family with two daughters took in my son. This didn't do him any good either. He eventually was asked to leave because he wasn't willing to be responsible for himself there either.
So, even though my husband and I did the tough love route, other people interfered.
We tried the love and compassion route and allowed our son back in our home. We developed house rules, contracts, check-ins, random drug tests. I drove him to AA and NA meetings. I drove myself to Al-Anon meetings. None of these safeguards kept any of us safe, and my son relapsed. He had to leave because he brought drugs into our house.
Relapse is part of recovery. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I really don't know. I prefer exact formulas. Exactly, how many relapses does someone have before s/he is solid into recovery? Is it 3, 6, 9, 120? Do these relapses include the number of treatments? Does every relapse require a treatment? It baffles me to find these answers. People in this field are telling me they have a dire prognosis for my son if he doesn't get serious about his illness.
I hope he's serious but I don't know.
My son relapsed on heroin, meth, and every other illegal drug that was available to him on the recent relapse. He died and was brought back to life by the heroin antidote Narcan. He bought drugs on the street and brought them back to the sober living facility. Sober living businesses rent to everyone, whether a person is sincere or not. Supposedly, they will evict you if you use drugs while renting from them. But people who run these places are also oftentimes recovering addicts themselves. Some of them become addicted to taking money from people and they run their facilities like flop houses and with a pipeline between their sober living homes into their own treatment facilities. Many treatment facilities need to be licensed but their sober living arrangements do not.
The director of this last sober living kept telling me how well known and successful they are. How do you define success? I define success based on outcomes but what outcome? They kept him alive when he relapsed, so that is a bottom line success. What effort did they engage in to help my son prevent himself from relapsing. That is the unknown factor and I don't trust my son's honesty or the sober living's honesty.
How convenient that after my son relapsed he went straight to their detox/rehab center. They allowed him to go with his girlfriend. They spent more time texting and being on Facebook then they did being engaged in their purpose for being there. I know because I saw him on Facebook and I texted him myself. They broke up after the girlfriend discharged first and she picked right back up where she left off.
My son discharged himself a few days later and moved in with another mother with a daughter at home.
I can't say I blame them. I love having my son around when he is sober. He is a kind, intelligent young man. When he wants money for drugs, he will clean your house. He and I enjoy the same kinds of music and he thinks deeply about life. Yet all these well-meaning people are prolonging his entry into permanent recovery and he may actually die without anyone able to bring him back the next time around.
These things happen.
We did the tough love approach and kicked our son out when he used drugs in our house. He didn't quit then. For some reason, I thought this would be the last trick in the book of stopping enabling which would have him hit bottom. Maybe because I had heard so many times from other people that when they kicked their person out of the house their loved one reached a bottom. It didn't work. Mainly because other people offered him a place to stay. So, even though we stopped enabling him, others picked it right back up.
One family who took my son in had a daughter who used meth just like my son. If I were the parent of a daughter, I would not have allowed a young man to live in the same house as my daughter--especially if he met her in rehab. They both began using meth again.
Another family with two daughters took in my son. This didn't do him any good either. He eventually was asked to leave because he wasn't willing to be responsible for himself there either.
So, even though my husband and I did the tough love route, other people interfered.
We tried the love and compassion route and allowed our son back in our home. We developed house rules, contracts, check-ins, random drug tests. I drove him to AA and NA meetings. I drove myself to Al-Anon meetings. None of these safeguards kept any of us safe, and my son relapsed. He had to leave because he brought drugs into our house.
Relapse is part of recovery. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I really don't know. I prefer exact formulas. Exactly, how many relapses does someone have before s/he is solid into recovery? Is it 3, 6, 9, 120? Do these relapses include the number of treatments? Does every relapse require a treatment? It baffles me to find these answers. People in this field are telling me they have a dire prognosis for my son if he doesn't get serious about his illness.
I hope he's serious but I don't know.
My son relapsed on heroin, meth, and every other illegal drug that was available to him on the recent relapse. He died and was brought back to life by the heroin antidote Narcan. He bought drugs on the street and brought them back to the sober living facility. Sober living businesses rent to everyone, whether a person is sincere or not. Supposedly, they will evict you if you use drugs while renting from them. But people who run these places are also oftentimes recovering addicts themselves. Some of them become addicted to taking money from people and they run their facilities like flop houses and with a pipeline between their sober living homes into their own treatment facilities. Many treatment facilities need to be licensed but their sober living arrangements do not.
The director of this last sober living kept telling me how well known and successful they are. How do you define success? I define success based on outcomes but what outcome? They kept him alive when he relapsed, so that is a bottom line success. What effort did they engage in to help my son prevent himself from relapsing. That is the unknown factor and I don't trust my son's honesty or the sober living's honesty.
How convenient that after my son relapsed he went straight to their detox/rehab center. They allowed him to go with his girlfriend. They spent more time texting and being on Facebook then they did being engaged in their purpose for being there. I know because I saw him on Facebook and I texted him myself. They broke up after the girlfriend discharged first and she picked right back up where she left off.
My son discharged himself a few days later and moved in with another mother with a daughter at home.
I can't say I blame them. I love having my son around when he is sober. He is a kind, intelligent young man. When he wants money for drugs, he will clean your house. He and I enjoy the same kinds of music and he thinks deeply about life. Yet all these well-meaning people are prolonging his entry into permanent recovery and he may actually die without anyone able to bring him back the next time around.
These things happen.
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